the other week i was able to spend a day in retreat with mark yaconelli on his contemplative youth ministry book tour. while there i came to name for myself a couple of things that i find important examine further.
1. i'm not the contemplative/mystic that i once was and sometimes try to claim to be. a waining prayer life, a sense "to do lists" taking precedence over everything, a present relationship with my God that feels like we are on some hiatus.
2. i'm tired. life has been good, but it's taking it's toll. youth community summer is in high gear with more time away from home coming soon. continued planning of a wedding and all it's details are starting to take form. moving has had it's effect in sucking more energy that wasn't there to begin with. my on going projects outside the church from the episcopate committee to the worship feast cdrom project seems to keep coming back.
3. i need to be seen or a feeling to be noticed. this might have always had some effect, but for some reason i recognised that i really needed to be noticed by my cohorts. it might have been just that day, but there was some strong feeling that i had to be seen by people who know me and love me already. i just needed something more.
i've tried to commit to a new prayer book for the summer. using again the book of prayer from the iona community. it asks for more silence, reflection on scripture readings, and times of intercession which seem to open up more space to listen and be in relationship. still i struggle with evening prayer times which usually was my most favorite time of the day.
trying to sleep more. going to bed earlier and sleeping a bit after a morning walk of the dogs. i don't know if it is possible to find balance in the summer. i've paired down the daily activties from week to week to just have a rhythem of wednesdays and sundays together.
not sure what to do about the noticing. i wonder if there is something that i can't find for myself that is needing reassurance by those who are my cohorts and friends. i think that i am like many, a person who has to have success defined by society in order to feel affirmed in what i do. however, i am conflicted that much of that 'success' is not what i'm called to in what i view as my holy vocation with God. maybe it's that i just need people to affirm or just be with me in my conflictions. however this pans out i'm curious to see.
